I’ll be busy running Nancystan.

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Actually, Ms. Lake, this isn’t our last blog.

You see, since time is an illusion created by the government to control our lives (cough cough MS. LAKE), time therefore does not exist and therefore does not move forward. Therefore, we will stay in high school, ninth grade, and ninth honors lit for the rest of our lives. Class will go on forever. And we will have a blog forever.

Denial? What denial?

I am so incredibly sad by the fact that there will be an end to blogging!! This has been the best language arts assignment EVER. I think that we should just put an end to all actual work or any assignments that require strenuous effort and just blog all day. That would make balancing school work much easier.

I really do love blogging, and I hope to continue posting when I can! Check in during any spare time, and I’ll try to whip up a word soufflé every once in a while. Of course, I’ll be really busy between walking red-carpet premieres with George Clooney in a killer Versace gown, cracking top-secret codes for the CIA that save the president’s life, becoming a world-renowned Harvard graduate nuclear physicist/ curling champion, and running a small third world country off the coast of Madagascar.

But I’ll manage.

I want to keep up with everyone’s blogs because they are all so wonderful! I’ll check in every once in a while to see what’s crackalackin with you youngins.

But other than that, I guess this is goodbye.

Sniff.

Sniff.

Farewell, my fellow bloggers. Farewell.

WHOA. Sorry guys. This is way too emotional and stuff for me. There’s no way that this is my exit. Okay, here we go:

Nancy logs off of WordPress and slowly closes her laptop. A single tear escapes from her closed eyelids and streaks freely down her face. Nancy rises out of her chair and then departs down the stairs to the door. She pulls on her black leather jacket and combat boots and races outside. Nancy swiftly swings her leg over the top of her red motorcycle and rides away into the sunset with the wind whipping her long, luscious mane of fabulicious hair. Nancy lives happily ever after as the credits roll across the screen.

Ah. That’s better. Besides, I had to use “fabulicious” at least one more time in my blog.

FINALS HAVE AN EVIL TWIN!!!

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(crowd cheers, cheesy 60s music plays)

Host: Hello, ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to…

Crowd: LET’S TAKE THE EOCT!

Host: That’s right, folks! The crazy-fun game show from the PSAT season is back and better than ever! We have new contestants, new questions, and a whole lot more material to study! So, let’s meet our contestants! Contestant number one, come on down!

(crowd cheers as contestant number one takes the stage)

Host: Alright, contestant number one! First question: Do you think the EOCTs are a good way to test what you learn in your classes?

Contestant: I think that they are a good way to make sure we know all of the standards, but I don’t think they are a great measure of what we learned in class. Each teacher teaches differently, and I think that the final tests should be created by the teachers because they know us best.

(crowd cheers in agreement)

Host: Excellent answer, contestant number one! Now, let’s see what our next contestant thinks! Contestant number two, should there be an EOCT for every class? Or just some?

Contestant: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. We have too many final tests and assessments and exams and quizzes already! Maybe we should just, hm, I don’t know, not have the EOCT at all?

(crowd gasps in horror at the thought of actually having less standardized testing)

Host: Heh heh…wow. Not a bad idea, actually.

(crowd revolts and storms Georgia’s capitol with pitchforks demanding that we have no EOCTs whatsoever. the capitol agrees and students are test-free for the rest of their lives and free cupcakes for everyone yay)

Hey, an over-booked-tired-of-studying girl can dream, right?

Anyway, I don’t think that the EOCTs are a very good measure of what we have learned in our course. Sure, it checks to see if we have learned the standards we need to, but our teachers are the only ones who have been with our class all year. They should be the ones to write and give the final, because they are the ones who know what we did in class!

Oh wait a minute…we have those. They’re called FINALS.

I don’t like standardized testing one bit! Therefore, I don’t think that we should have any more EOCTs than we are already stuck with!

Guess what I’m going to go do now? STUDY FOR EOCTS!!!!!! Woo. Freaking. Hoo.

P.S. Anyone who can spot the polysyndeton in this post gets an espresso and a warm puppy!

Must…Resist…Adorableness…

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The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. The cool, gentle breeze blows steadily across your face. Suddenly, you hear an odd clicking and clacking, a noise that is oh-so-very peculiar for a lovely spring afternoon, a sound that definitely doesn’t belong in your whimsical dream. The noise gets louder and louder, increasing decibel by decibel every minute, until—

“…Nancy?”

You jolt upright in bed with a start to find a tiny six-year-old girl wearing a Little Mermaid nightgown amongst a sea of Polly Pockets. And this tiny six-year-old girl has big six-year-old eyes that are staring right at you.

“Nancy, are you awake?”

Glancing at your clock (which reads SIX IN THE FRIGGIN’ MORNING), the past night slowly climbs back into your memory. Your cousins are in town. They like to play with loud, clanking, plastic Polly Pockets in your room. And they like to get up REALLY early.

“Nancy, can you play Polly Pockets with me?”

Your eyes drift down to hers. She stares at you with so much hope, so much glee of your awakening, so much youthful joy at being with you, that you almost lose your entire soul because of the amount of cuteness in that one simple glance. No, you think pleadingly. Don’t fall for it, look away, look away, don’t get lost in those puppy-dog eyes…

You have completely lost all hope, and you dejectedly climb groggily out of bed and onto the floor next to the Polly Hotel and Polly’s Own Super Cool Convertible (copyright).

Three hours later, you find yourself wrapped up in Polly and her friends Anna and Nancy (who was named after you. You are very flattered). The girls are all celebrities living in the world-famous Polly Hotel and starring in movies about talking dogs and going to parties and talking to boys.

It got intense.

So while all of you were either a) sleeping in and watching cartoon reruns, or b) having a boatload of fun at insert-fancy-shmancy-tropical-vacation-destination-here, I was having the most fun of all with my awesomely amazingly fantastical cousins!

FIVE MORE WEEKS UNTIL SUMMER!

P.S. Did anyone else see Eashaa in the talent show on Friday? Because she was RIDICULICIOUSLY FANTABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

No Grandpa, Wizards of Waverly Place is NOT like Harry Potter.

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Unfortunately, my family does not break out into a wacky Russian party dance whenever traditions are broken. I am sure that if this did happen to occur as a reaction of every spontaneous change in the family, my relatives and I would break traditions much more often.

While my family has a plentitude of “fun-happy-yay-family” traditions, there are not too many “we-will-smite-you-and-make-you-sleep-on-the-roof-if-this-tradition-is-broken” traditions. Therefore, if you have to spend your family’s annual thanksgiving dinner in front of the Disney channel on your grandfather’s old leather couch because you have a sudden head cold and can’t get near your new baby cousin, you will be forgiven. Not that you actually had a choice in the matter. Your family just happens to love the new baby more than you. And that’s perfectly fine. Even though you were stuck with plain chicken soup on a TV tray while the baby got to sit in front of a long feast of delicious rolls and hot turkey and sweet cranberry sauce and flavorful stuffing and cinnamon-y apple pie that she couldn’t even eat.

Grudge? What grudge? I don’t hold a grudge (Thanksgiving 2005. I will never forget).

So far, I haven’t broken any traditions in my family that have caused major consequences. If I had to pick any tradition to break, I would probably choose the tradition of House-Cleaning Sunday. Sadly, my mother has ensured that I will not be breaking this tradition today, hence the short blog.

Well, I am off to celebrate my family tradition (if you count Windex, Lysol, and vacuum cleaners as forms of celebration). I hope you have a lot more fun with your traditions than I am with mine!

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Menorah

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Psst!! World! I have to tell you a secret!

Come a little closer…

Little closer…

A tad closer…

AHH! TOO CLOSE!!

Oh. That’s better.

Now, you have to listen really carefully, World, because what I am about to tell you is a huge secret. It is not to be repeated. Ever. In the history of the world, this information can’t be spoken of ever again.

Ladies and gentlemen of the internet, this secret I’m telling you is one of the most important traditions of the Jewish People. I proudly present to you…the Jewish Christmas.

You are probably a little confused. You might start asking questions. You may even be doubting everything you have ever known. None of this is necessary, I guarantee. I shall explain.

Ever since Jesus was born (this name might sound a little familiar, as it is possible you have heard of him), people who practice the Christian faith celebrate his birthday every year on December 25th. Christmas trees are purchased, lights are hung, chestnuts are roasted over open fires, and Santa makes his annual rounds with some red-schnozzed reindeer. But while the entire hubbub of Christmas is going on, what do Jews do?

I’m sure every family is a little different on Christmas, but for us, we go to the movies and eat Chinese food! No one really knows how this particular tradition started, but it probably has something to do with the fact that movie theatres and Chinese restaurants are the only places open on Christmas. It definitely seems a little weird, but for some of us, it wouldn’t be Christmas without it!

Another Jewish tradition that comes with the holiday season is the annual viewing of every single cheesy Christmas movie ever made. These are usually shown on the ABC Family, Lifetime, and Hallmark channels, and the more cheese, the better! You may find this hard to believe, but I actually enjoy experiencing the wonder and “Christmas magic” that these movies exude! A few favorites of mine include: Once Upon a Christmas, TWICE Upon a Christmas (the sequel!!), Elf, A Nanny for Christmas, and Santa Who.

Christmas isn’t the only holiday in December for Jews—as you may have heard, Chanukah is pretty important too. But in my family, the humans in the house aren’t the only ones celebrating for eight nights…in fact, my dog Coconut has a big role in the holiday. Coconut is absolutely convinced she is a human being. Therefore, she celebrates Chanukah like a human being would. Coco says the blessings over the candles with us, and she also gets presents just like we do! If you don’t believe me, I have video to prove it!

My mother kindly asks that you ignore her high-pitched “puppy” voice.

I hope you have enjoyed hearing my family’s traditions! Merry Christmas!

Stephanie Meyer…Descendant of Shakespeare?

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Picking my favorite character from Romeo and Juliet is like picking my favorite character from Twilight—nearly impossible! Let’s compare:

Romeo is extremely creepy. He climbs over to Juliet’s house (breaking and entering, may I add) and listens to her private confessions and conversations to herself. But of course, that sounds NOTHING like Edward from Twilight who sneaks into Bella’s room at night, watches her sleep, and listens to her talking in her sleep. No. No similarities whatsoever. Also, Romeo, an eighteen-year-old, is hitting on Juliet, a thirteen-year-old. Not so different from Edward, a 100-year-old, hitting on Bella, a sixteen-year-old. At least Edward is sparkly.

Juliet and Bella are both naïve and stupid. Just because the girl sees a guy, and he does something like kiss her hand or save her from an impending car, does not mean she needs to give up her life to be with him! Juliet ends up killing herself just for Romeo, and Bella leaves her old life to become a blood-sucking vampire just for Edward. Coincidentally, it also seems as if neither Juliet nor Bella have friends. Maybe if they weren’t gullible idiots they would have someone who could talk sense into them!

Paris and Jacob can’t take a hint. While Paris still tries to hit on Juliet when she’s dead, Jacob still tries to hit on Bella when she is married and preggers. Don’t get me wrong; both guys are quite swell—Paris is a sweetie, and who can ignore Jacobs whole rip-off-shirt-sexily-to-reveal-ten-pack-and-then-turn-into-a-werewolf act? But maybe finding another girl would be best for these two (especially Jacob—his latest relationship is absolutely DISGUSTING).

Benvolio and Balthasar are like Emmett and Jasper. All of these characters have some speaking lines and some importance to Romeo and Edward, but neither really do anything in the play/book.

I would probably say that my favorite character is the nurse. She is sassy and hilarious for a 1500s chick! She also shows a lot of compassion and caring for Juliet and helps both her and Romeo throughout their journey.

Unfortunately, there is no nurse-type figure in Twilight. It’s possible Bella had a nurse at some point, but she was probably overwhelmed by Bella’s never-ending variety of extreme facial expressions.